Owning My Story
“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do” Brene Brown
I started reading ‘The Gifts of Imperfection’ by Brene Brown this morning and the above quote really jumped out at me. I feel like in 2021 I finally started owning my story. I realized that even if we get pregnant and have a healthy baby someday, infertility will always be part of my story. The pain and trauma of the past 6 years doesn’t go away because of having a family. Not only did I start to realize that but I started to process it and understand that it isn’t a bad thing. My story is normal. Many many couples experience the pain of missed expectations with creating their family. Once I started to comprehend that, I started to talk about it. To me, processing and sharing is owning my story.
I listened to a podcast yesterday (The Worst Girl Gang Ever on Spotify) and the women being interviewed really resonated with me. It’s Episode 5 Alice Rose in case you want to go listen to it. She talked about toxic positivity which is a term I’d heard before but not really understood. Toxic positivity is the idea that it’s never good to acknowledge the sh*t show. You need to always put on a smile and be ‘ok’. She also talked about how in her journey she had to take a break from TTC (trying to conceive) for her own mental health. She started doing things every day that made her happy. Things that she’d been putting off doing for years for different reasons. When your TTC, fertility runs your entire world. The protocols, the dr’s appointments, the cycle timing, the cost, it’s all consuming. I’ve put off many things I wanted to do because we were TTC and ‘this might be the month'. I’ve heard a lot of ‘keep trying, it’s worth it!’ ‘don’t give up’ ‘it’ll all be worth it in the end’. But I haven’t heard a lot of people in the Infertility Community telling me to take care of me, that THIS IS MY LIFE, that it’s ok to take a break. Frankly, ‘taking a break’ feels like giving up. In the entrepreneurial world (which I’m also part of since we own a business), there’s huge shame a guilt for ‘giving up’. Alice Rose talked about how taking a break isn’t failure, it isn’t giving up. Putting your mental health first should always be seen as valuable and important.
I’ve started doing small things that make me happy that I’d been putting off. I got my hair professionally done for the first time in probably 5 years. Every time I look in the mirror now I see the gift I gave myself. The gift of feeling good, feeling taken care of, feeling ‘treated’. This blog is another thing that makes me happy. I like sharing my story. I like having the accountability of the public forum. I enjoy hearing from people who have read the posts. I started working out and training again. I signed up for a race for 2022. That stuff all makes me happy. It gives me something to look forward to, to work towards, something that’s attainable.
This is being grateful and grieving. I’m grateful for the journey that I’m on, I’m not ignoring the grief though. It’s still here, all the time.
