Numbing vs Intention
I run a book club for anyone who wants to dig deeper into themselves. January’s book is ‘The Gifts of Imperfection’ by Brene Brown. Today in my reading the author was talking about what makes some people able to ‘bounce back’ which is the idea of being resilient. She talked about how everyone tries to numb or take the edge off of difficult feelings like vulnerability and shame but the resilient people recognize they are doing that and are able to navigate through it.
It made me wonder if I am numbing non-desirable feelings or if I am replacing sad things with things that make me happy. Let me explain. A few weeks back I was a guest on a podcast (See Beneath Your Beautiful by Hara Allison), and she asked me what gives me strength during difficult times. My answer was to find something else to focus on, because if I focus on the sad thing too much I get all wrapped up in it and can’t function. I added in that I recognize that can get to an unhealthy level, that feelings are meant to be felt and it’s ok to not be ok sometimes. I still agree with everything I said. I guess I’m wondering what is the connection between numbing a situation and choosing to not dwell longer then needed in a situation.
I don’t feel like I’m doing a very good job explaining this so maybe I need an example. I like projects, I always have. I’m pretty creative and I like a nice environment and space to live in. This last weekend I decided to upgrade our basement. Partly because I had the time, partly because we had a lowes gift card burning a hole in my pocket, and partly because I didn’t want to sit around doing nothing and wallowing in the 2 week wait feelings. (What are the two week wait feelings? If you have to ask you probably haven’t experienced infertility struggles. The 2 week wait is the time between ovulation and finding out if you’re pregnant. The feelings include anxiety, hopefulness, doubt, fear, depression, anger, jealousy…a great recipe for disaster). I needed and wanted something to focus on and accomplish that wasn’t fertility related. Something I could control. Something I could see a result with. Something that would be there long term. I would call it a distraction, Brene might call it numbing. I thought it would be healthier then sitting on the couch letting my emotions run wild and end up verbally hurting the people I live with. So what happened? I had a great weekend! I had a lot of fun planning my project. I enjoyed getting out of the house and going to the hardware store with my dog (Lowes is dog friendly and they always have treats for him). I got to see results of my hard work immediately. Instead of feeling anxious and nervous, I felt proud of myself. I look back today, and feel happy about the weekend instead of ashamed I didn’t do anything productive. So, here’s the question, is that a numbing behavior? Or is it a healthy way to replace emotional wallowing with creative productivity.
I suppose that part of that answer relates to how often do you let yourself feel all those bad feelings? Do I allow myself to sit in those feelings and be sad? Do I let them out in some fashion? Or do I spend every waking minute being busy trying to not feel sad or hopeless.
I would say the previous 5 years I spent every minute being occupied either physically or mentally. I didn’t like silence. I didn’t want time to reflect or gain perspective. I just wanted to be doing something else. 2021 was a big year of reflection for me though. I started to allow myself to feel sad and be ok being sad. I started to put boundaries up of who I could be around and for how long. I started to process my feelings instead of ignoring them. (I always heard people talk about processing feelings and not ignoring them and honestly it always sounded like hogwash to me. I couldn’t quantify how you process an intangible thing. It made zero sense to me until I started doing it and now it makes sense. I think it’s different for everyone, but for me it was starting to share with others about what was going on. It started with a few select people, then expanded to a bigger circle of friends, then a support group of strangers I didn’t even know, then social media a blog and even a podcast).
It makes sense to me that if I can say I have been processing a feeling and I just don’t want to be sad anymore it’s not numbing to choose happiness. To intentionally decide not to wallow in shame and self pity but do something I know will get my brain and body moving is a healthy decision. I lived with toxic positivity for long enough though I know the difference between ‘ignoring the negatives to only focus on the positives’ and ‘the hard feelings have been dealt with and it’s time to focus on the light.’
(The thumbnail for this post was taken on a run. I saw the light filtering through the very frosted bush and thought it was gorgeous.")
