Love Warrior
I just finished reading Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle. It’s this months book club book. I have never read anything by her before so I really didn’t know what to expect. The story line of the book is about saving a marriage, the content of the book though is more about how she found herself and consequently was able to make healthier decisions about her marriage. I don’t have marital problems (well…not serious ones, I think everyone has things they are working on). BUT the book really spoke to me. At one point in the book she was talking about being forced into a position where people knew she was considering divorce and she categorized her friends according to how they reacted. The Shovers try to push all the messiness of life into a tidy pile and wanted her to just move past it typically giving some type of toxic positivity saying like ‘There’s a silver lining on everything’ (‘shoving’ her into the hope). Then there’s the Comparer whose version of offering hope is to compare your problem to someone elses worse problem so you can see that ‘yours really isn’t that bad’. The Fixer is always giving unsolicited advice. Reporters are gathering information and dispersing it to others in the form of prayer requests or other nonsense. Finally there’s the God Reps. These are the people who always think God has a plan and/or has led them to share some bible tip or verse with you. I was reading about these different types of people she had experienced and about half way through I was utterly shocked to remember that I was reading about the news of infidelity and imminent divorce and not infertility. What she was saying was SO freaking relatable to my life even though I’ve never dealt with her situation. She started that section with this sentence “The listener makes it harder for me by making it easier for them.” Mic Drop.
I was a guest on a podcast a few weeks ago and I was saying that same sentiment. That people are uncomfortable with grief and so the listener unconsciously makes it more comfortable for them, forgetting that the teller is the one GRIEVING! I think it was mind blowing to me that Glennon would write about that because I’ve never heard anyone talk about that before. I had slowly developed that theory over the last year or so and then here she is in a book saying the exact same thing. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. You know when someone’s been through an experience just like yours and you feel connected to them? You feel like you’ve shared the same memory or something? That’s kind of how I felt. Even though the source of grief is different, the struggle to talk to people you care about, the questioning of ‘should I tell this person how they just made me feel’, the anger at some people’s responses, is all the same.
At the end of the book she has learned to trust her gut, that small voice in the back of your head saying things. She’s learned to say how she’s really feeling and not just go along with what is happening because it’s expected of her. I’ll be honest…I haven’t gotten there yet. I focus way too much on what the expectations are. I’m terrified of letting people down. I will (almost) always go along with something if I think people are depending on me. I’ve done that for so long I don’t even hear my small gut/voice very much. I have to really listen hard. I have to filter out the noise and then translate if what I’m hearing is emotional baggage, societal pressure or that small voice. I constantly question myself. I justify if what I’m hearing is accurate or if I’m infusing my own selfish desires into the mix. (Is that a bad thing?). Sometimes I just think that I don’t get to have a say in this. I’ve been very blessed with what I have and a grateful person should just put on their big girl pants and carry on. I’m not good at hearing my intuition because I’m more worried about how my actions effect other people then how they effect me. I do think I’ve gotten better at this over the years, but I’m still not great at it. The problem is you can only ignore your gut for so long before you have some pretty serious angst going on and you explode. Or at least, that’s what my pattern is. I’ll be fine, fine, fine, fine, fine EXPLODE into a rage and then fine, fine, fine again (just ask poor Drew, sometimes he has no idea why yesterday I was fine about the recycling not being taken out and today I explode about it).
I hope that by being more aware that my tendency is to ignore my gut, I can tune into it more. I can check in with myself before committing to something.
I’d love to read your comments!
(The thumbnail image for this post was taken today on my run. It’s a frosted fence post near The Islands Trailhead of the centennial trail overlooking the Spokane River. I thought it was beautiful and had to snap a picture)
