International Women’s Day
International Women's Day made me stop and think yesterday about it means (to me) to be a woman. I'm sure everyone has their own thoughts, but here are mine. I haven't figured it out yet. That's my definition. If you would have asked me 10 years ago I would have painted word stories related to what a woman DOES. She's a wife, she's a helper, she's a boss babe, she's a mom, etc.
Fast forward to today and I would say that those are all things that a woman does, but is that who she is? If you take away those roles, is she no longer a woman? I can HEAR people giving a quick response of “No absolutely not!" to this question. It’s an answer designed by our culture to empower women. It’s a canned answer to make people feel better. But if I stop and really think about what has been modeled to me about what defines a woman, it’s a lot of those roles! Culture and society seem to think that it’s what she DOES not who she IS that defines her.
What defines a woman? Is it how she is vulnerable? Authentic? Well I know lots of women who aren’t either of those things and yet they claim the title woman. I look at a lot of times in my life when vulnerability wasn’t even a word I knew. Authentic? Yeah I thought I was fooling everyone pretty good into thinking I was authentic. I hope today that I am more aware and able to be vulnerable (with boundaries) and authentic, but does that mean that when I wasn’t those things I was less of a woman?
What defines a woman? Is it her hormones and anatomical being? Well guess what? You can change your anatomical being and your hormones! Sometimes those are both messed up from the beginning. Sometimes they get messed up along the way. I don’t know where my hormones went wrong, but they did! Does that make me less of a woman?
What defines a woman? Is it her ability to bring new life into the world? Her nurturing nature? The longer I’ve been on the infertility road, the more woman I have met who have struggled with this as well. We were promised this. We were told from the time we were very young that we’d be mom’s someday. This has been stolen from us. Does that make us less of women?
What defines a woman? Is it what has happened to her gender over the last few hundred years? Is it healthy to claim trauma as your identity?
What defines a woman? I DON’T KNOW! I really don’t. All of my definitions have been challenged over the years. All of the above statements are a part of me. I can’t seperate myself from the cultural and society teachings of being a woman. I can get perspective and challenge those teachings, but they were still ingrained in me during my formative years. I am physically female but it’s also true that something in my body isn’t doing what a female body should do. I’m told to be vulnerable and authentic so much it’s like another hat women put on with their friends. Everywhere I look (tv, commercials, friends, family) being a woman is CLOSELY linked with mothering, I can’t pretend that’s not true (as much as I want to).
If I had to create a definition that only applied to me it might be something like this. Being a woman means getting out of bed and putting on a bra equals a win some days. Being a woman means working yourself hard and feeling some pain so that you can also enjoy some time off. Being a woman means I’m not naturally good at setting boundaries but it’s something I can learn. Being a woman means having a difficult relationship with some loved ones in your life. Being a woman means feeling guilt and shame surrounding fertility. Being a woman means being able to deal with unimaginable loss. Being a woman means learning to grieve. Being a woman means learning to deal with self doubt and still be brave. Being a woman means caring a little bit more then you should. Being a woman means a new shirt brings me happiness. Being a woman means menstrual cups and tampons are always handy. Being a woman means that tears can brim with almost no warning. Being a woman is f*cking hard (that doesn’t mean it’s easier to be any other gender either).
