February 25th 2022
I got a difficult phone call earlier today (I’m not quite ready to disclose what it was about), but it really triggered all of my insecurities and pain. I left the conversation trying to feel my feelings and not get too worked up. I walked into the house, not ready to show my pain to my family, so I hopped in the shower and bawled my eyes out. I’m an ugly crier and sometimes while crying in the shower I get distracted with thinking how awful I must look. But…that’s why you cry in the shower right? No one can see you.
Sometimes I’m not ready to see the pity in my loved ones eyes. I feel like I can barely breathe through the pain and dealing with their emotions is just too much. I’m already too much for myself to deal with, I don’t want to be too much for them too. I dread hearing ‘I’m sorry’ where the voice goes down just a little bit at the end and you can see them trying to assess how to deal with you. So I haven’t shared with my spouse about the phone call. I have a few friends I can reach out to who know the right things to say and do. They offer to just sit in silence with me. One friend today offered to email all my work appointments and let them know I wouldn’t be available and get them rescheduled for me. I, of course, am getting my work done, but the thought was very kind.
The truth is, I don’t know what I need. I know that I will feel better tomorrow and then probably the next day I’ll be crying in the shower again. That’s how grief goes. It’s not linear. It has a time line all of it’s own. Time doesn’t make it better, it just makes it less acute. I know that as the hours turn to days and the days turn to weeks and then months, I will find things to be grateful for. I will find moments of joy. But right now…it’s hard. Tears come with no warning. Every stereotype and fear of being seen as ‘weak’ and a ‘classic female’ in the professional setting shame me.
When you’re in a vulnerable spot, even the littlest thing feels like the end of the world. I headed out to my 11 O’clock appointment, got settled in only to watch the minutes tick by while this appointment no show no called me. In reality this happens all the time. When you’re dealing with people it’s a given that they will flake on you. But today the rejection felt personal. It felt like another person telling me I wasn’t worth their time enough to even send a quick text or call to. I went out of my way to meet them in a convenient location for them and they didn’t have the courtesy to give me a second thought. I recognize this sounds like a pity party, but I get to have a pity party every now and then.
I will probably do some emotional eating later, I would include emotional drinking with that but I committed to a long run tomorrow with a friend and a run is always harder after a night of drinking. So…that’s later, right now I’ve got some work to get to.
