Running In Circles
I didn’t expect it to get easier, but I definitely didn’t expect it to get harder. And by ‘it’ I mean watching other people’s families mature while I stay stuck in infertility. A few events happened in the last week or so that made me feel like everyone else is moving on and I’m stagnate. It just made me a bit sad. My niece turned 5 and I remember when she was a baby. And now she’s 5. 5! 5 isn’t a baby anymore, it’s not a toddler either. It’s a big enough age difference that if we ever do have our own kids they probably won’t be friends with m sister in laws kiddos. The other thing that happened is I listen to this podcast and I remember when the host was talking about his kids being 3 and 5 and now they are 6 and 8. It seems like you don’t notice it one year over the next but then 3 years has gone by and that’s a big difference.
Maybe I subconsciously assumed that I’d have kids by the time Caroline (my niece) turned 5. It felt like a punch in the gut. And it makes me wonder about the future. What other milestones will everyone elses kids reach before mine are even born? That makes me sad to even think about. It makes me want to just give up. To stop trying so hard. Maybe if I stop trying I’ll stop caring then it won’t hurt to watch other people’s lives move forward while I’m running in circles.
I get wrapped up in my own life, doing my own routine every day and it’s easy to forget that other people’s lives are moving forward until it slaps you in the face with a facebook post, a family get together or even just a conversation with someone. Another way to say that is that I forget how much time has passed until I can’t ignore it anymore. And then it’s shocking. And disheartening.
When I was a kid I worried about my husband being unattractive. I worried about saying and doing the right thing in every situation. I never worried about fertility. I never worried about what if I couldn’t have my own babies. It never occurred to me that this is the thing I’d be crying about on a Thursday morning.
I feel like I need to make the disclaimer that it’s my job to take care of my mental health. It’s not someone elses job to NOT post something or NOT be joyful and share about their situation to try to make me feel better. I don’t want anyone being worried that a post or a conversation might be triggering to me. It’s my trigger, it’s my responsibility to handle it, not yours.
I use this blog as a way to process my feelings so I cry while typing by myself and not in front of the client I’m meeting with in a few hours. I use this as a place to be open about my struggles so that others don’t feel so alone (But let’s be honest, infertility is isolating and no mater how many people are going through it you’ll always feel somewhat alone). I use this blog as a way to communicate with people I love because talking it out is just too painful.
