If I had a magic wand
If I had a super power or a magic wand I’d give myself the ability to turn my ugly feelings off occasionally. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to attend a party or an event and just enjoy it? Not feel jealous of someone else, not feel angry at the world, not feel sad, pitiful and hopeless.
Something happened. I thought I’d prepared for everything. I’d meticulously cleaned the house. I’d gone through the house over and over again looking for things out of place and fixing it. I even managed to get the cute dog advent calendar we have changed to the correct day. This day had taken months of planning and two days of set up. Turns out I haven’t been to a bridal shower in a long time and I was not prepared for the emotional unraveling effect it would have on me. The first sign of trouble was when a very pregnant guest arrived and I thought “no big deal. She’s pregnant. I have to be ok with people being pregnant around me”. Then, right as we were sitting down to eat, the last guest arrived, with her newborn baby son.
I’ve often heard people dealing with infertility or pregnancy loss say they feel desperately lonely. I had not experienced that until yesterday. When these two women showed up I started to feel the ugly feelings, but I pushed them aside, pasted on my best hostess smile and took their coats. I felt completely invisible. Obviously I didn’t feel physically invisible. It was my house. So I was busy making sure people knew where the coffee was and chatting with the other people at my table. But I felt invisible. Me. Like the REAL me. The me who is battling infertility every second of every day. The me who desperately wants her own baby but life just isn’t playing fair. My soul. My pain was invisible. I didn’t want to be the center of attention. It wasn’t my day. In that moment though, my invisibility was about more then just those few hours. It was about the rest of my life. Every future event where there are pregnant women and babies and everyone is ooing and awing over the baby…and it won’t ever be mine. Every conversation about what life is like with the baby now, how the delivery went, how they picked out the name, etc, etc.
I decided to put myself in time out when at the other table (the one with the baby and pregnant guest…because let’s be real, I couldn’t sit with them!), I heard the two guests in question giving baby advice to the bride. “Wait as long as you can. Once you have kids, there’s no going back.” “My life isn’t my own anymore, it’s completely enmeshed with the baby.” “I wish we would have waited”. At one point the bride said “I think we’re going to wait 1-2 years" before trying”, and I barely stopped myself from screaming “IT’S NOT THAT EASY!" It’s not just a switch you turn on and then BOOM your pregnant.” That’s when I decided to put myself in time out. I went downstairs for a bit. I was a bit mad at myself for not being able to be ok. I was also embarrassed because normally I’m very social and enjoy these types of parties. Instead, I was sitting awkwardly in the corner drinking mimosas and eating as much food as I could stuff in my face. In other terms, eating and drinking my emotions.
I didn’t know this, but apparently it’s a wives tale that each ribbon a bride breaks at the bridal shower while opening gifts determines how many kids she will have. So every time there was a gift that had a ribbon on it, someone in the audience would bring up that old wives tale. I almost blurted out “maybe that’s what the problem is. I didn’t break any stupid ribbons at my bridal shower.” I felt like a very sour guest.
I was completely exhausted (and a bit drunk) by the end of the party. I was completely unprepared for the emotional toil the day would bring. I felt like I’d gone into battle without any armor on. And now, I’m sitting here processing these feelings and wondering if I can go to bridal showers anymore. I have a huge fear of missing out, so intentionally not going to a party because I know it might be triggering feels almost worse then just being triggered and dealing with it later. What about other events? Am I out of the event and party game now because I can’t get past my ugly feelings?
I know it’s ok to be sad. I know it’s ok to be triggered. I know it’s ok to not be ok sometimes. I know it’s ok to cry. I know it’s ok to eat and drink your feelings away (no haters, I’m dealing with those feelings now). I’m having a hard time forcing myself to see the grateful part right now. It’s a little too fresh. Perspective takes time and I know that. I know that these ugly feelings will dull over time and I’ll be able to see the light with the dark. When someone is having their very light and happy day (the bride), someone else is having ‘an equal and opposite reaction’ (me). I need to remember to respect the balance of light (happy) and dark (sad). When I’m having a good day, someone else is having a rough day. It doesn’t mean I need to not be happy, it means that today I’m happy but tomorrow I might be sad, and that’s ok. I still wish I had a magic wand but maybe time is the magic wand. Give it time and emotions will change.
