The Hardest Thing
I’ve been feeling like I need to get some feelings on paper but when I sat down today to process I just couldn’t quiet get it out. So I googled journal prompts and this one came up.
“What is the hardest thing you’ve ever gone through and how did you overcome it?”
I would say infertility. Probably because that’s what I’m going through right now, and it seems that the test you are in the middle of always seems the hardest. Prior to infertility I would have said a work trauma that really messed up my mindset, career and marriage. During the work trauma, I couldn’t imagine anything being as hard or feeling as betrayed and hopeless. Now that I’m in the middle of infertility the work trauma seems like a piece of cake. I wonder if it’s because it’s in the past? I’ve gotten through it. I look back and KNOW that I get through it. In the middle of it I didn’t know if I’d survive, but I did. I’m kind of in the same place with infertility right now. I can’t imagine what life will look like with or without kids at this point. I used to be able to picture having a family, but now I can’t. It feels cruel to imagine and hope and visualize something that probably won’t ever happen. I don’t say that in a depressing way, I say it in a reality way. When you’ve struggled for something for 6 years and it feels like everything is working against you, it’s hard to keep hoping. It’s almost naïve. If I’m being honest with myself, I do feel hopeless. I was supposed to ovulate this week (honestly, I don’t even know if I am anymore, I don’t feel it like I used to), and normally I tell Drew so we can make a plan. This month I did tell him but I followed it up with ‘it honestly doesn’t matter, after 6 years of trying it’s not going to happen this month. It hasn’t happened yet. What’s different about this month’. While that is a true statement, I’ve never actually felt that way prior to this month. Previously I’ve felt oddly resilient, ready to try again. I bounced back. I’m deflated now. I don’t see any point in continuing to try without doing something different. More tests, medication, idk something. Part of the problem though is that I have been dismissed by the medical community in Spokane. They don’t seem to think I have a problem and should just ‘keep trying’. Which means the next step is to go outside of Spokane. The next logical place would be Seattle. I’ve heard of some great clinics over there. But that takes money that I’m willing to lose. Meaning, thousands of dollars in consult fees, plane tickets, lodging with 0 guarantee of them being a good fit or having any answers. I heard on an infertility podcast recently a woman say that sometimes you want something to be wrong because then you have something to solve. I absolutely agree with that. I just want something to be wrong because then I’d have an answer. Right now, there are no answers. My heart is sad for the people who don’t have answers about traumas in their life. I see you and I am you.
What’s the hardest thing I’ve gone through in my life? Navigating hopelessness. Getting up every day. Doing my hair. Going to work. Looking normal on the outside while being a vessel of sorrow on the inside. It’s really f*cking hard.
(Picture from a run with Xion on a very frosty day.)
