There are many topics that are known to be a social faux pas to bring up like politics and religion. There are also topics though, that feel like they are just poor taste to bring up. Infertility, miscarriage and baby loss to name a few. Most people will strongly disagree with me and say they think those are topics that SHOULD be discussed more. I agree, they should. But that doesn’t mean that society is ready to have them be brought up at a dinner party or a holiday celebration. These are difficult topics with lots of nuance and pain surrounding them. There’s no easy button that can be pushed to wrap up the discussion on a positive note. They will always be rainclouds on the previously positive conversation. With that in mind, let’s talk about a few of the reasons why people don’t talk about infertility more. Some of these are my reasons, some of them are ones I’ve heard from other people.

1) You can’t put pandora back in the box. This is probably the number one reason I didn’t talk about it for a long time. Once, you tell people you’re battling infertility you can’t go back in time and choose to NOT tell them. If someone tells you they are struggling with infertility, whether you realize it or not, that person has given you a piece of their heart to carry around.

2) Fear of how this knowledge will change your relationship with that person. If I tell my best friends that I’m struggling with infertility will they treat me differently? Will they stop inviting me out to things because of the fear that they might say something hurtful? Will they stop wanting to hang out because they have kids and I don’t and they think it might be too painful for me (meaning, they start making my life choices for me)? Once the information is out, you can’t go back in time to when they didn’t know. The relationship is forever changed and that is a scary place to be. Infertility is hard enough on it’s own, then when you add the prospect of losing friends it’s just too hard. Even if it’s lonely, it’s easier to keep the status quo.

3) Protecting myself. This is kind of an odd one, because people would probably say that opening up helps with healing. I agree, I would also ask though ‘how much do you open up about your most painful shame filled problems?’ A lot of times it’s just so much easier to paste a smile on my face and say I’m fine, then to say that my husband and I need to have sex because I’m going to be ovulating tomorrow but neither of us wants to have sex because it’s not fun anymore and instead we get in big arguments about it and then feel guilty because that’s no way to ‘make a baby’. (I mean, can you imagine if I actually said that to someone?). The world is so full of ‘accidental triggers’ (the mom in the grocery store screaming at the kid you’d do anything to have, the accidentally pregnant friend you run into at an event, the person in the restaurant you overhear who declines to order a drink because they are expecting), that choosing to bring up a topic that is ripe for triggers just seems silly. For example, if I bring up infertility, it’s likely that you’re going to try to make me feel better (TRIGGER - please don’t try unless you can give me a baby), or you’re going to give me advice (TRIGGER - after 6 years of trying there is no advice you can give that will make a difference), or possibly you’ll relate some story to me of a friend who ‘had the same thing and just relaxed and got pregnant’ (TRIGGER - really…how is that helpful? Telling someone to relax, unless you’re going to pay for a spa day or massage or something zip it). Basically, talking about infertility with those who have not experienced it opens up a myriad of ways for me to be triggered, and I can barely get through the day as is. I can’t risk more triggers.

4) Embarrassment. Most people like to give advice when they find out I’ve struggled with infertility. I know it’s not intentional, but the underlying message of giving advice is that you think I’m doing something wrong and need correcting. Eventually you start to believe that you are doing something wrong, that you must not know how making babies works. Think for a minute about the messaging you’ve heard in your life about the woman who is not able to have a baby (a barren woman). In the bible and in history, there are many stories of barren woman who are cast aside in favor of someone who could provide an heir. What did you learn about woman who can’t have kids (not the ones who don’t want them, the ones who CAN’T have them). Most the messaging is negative. So…why would I admit that I am one of those woman?

Don’t be surprised when someone tells you they have struggled with infertility. It’s more common then you think. Also, don’t take it personally if they have struggled with it for years and you are just learning about it. It’s a very personal journey. When someone is ready to share, they will. If they do, ask them how you can support them. Be grateful they shared with you and also let your heart grieve with them.