Bonding

Sometimes I really struggle to put on paper (and share with the world) the real stuff. Sometimes it’s easy, but today doesn’t seem like one of those days. This topic feels heavy. I want to talk about bonding with baby. It feels scary to talk about it. It feels like if I say we’re not bonding well that something is wrong with me or with Drew. I’m nervous about the unsolicited advice people are going to give us. I’m nervous that I’m over reacting and expecting too much.

So here’s the thing, in like every movie and every conversation about having kids people say things along the lines of “When they put that baby in your arms your going to feel overwhelming love like you’ve never felt”. That is not how I felt. I still don’t feel that way. I really like Ellie. She’s a pretty cute and easy baby. But…overwhelming love like I’ve never felt? I feel guilty saying this but I feel that more for my dog then my baby right now. (I’m immediately hesitant to write that because I don’t want people to think I’m depressed or experiencing Post Partum Depression). It’s the truth though.

Yesterday we ran some errands and left Ellie with my in laws. My assumption is that I should have felt like a sense of guilt for leaving her. Or anxious to get back to her. Or something along those lines. I didn’t feel that. Instead it was a feeling of relief to get out of the house with just Dew and I. I turned to Drew when we were almost home and said “Do you think it’s bad I’m not feeling super bonded to her?” His response, and mine, was I don’t know. I don’t know what’s normal (other then a setting on the dryer). I know some people struggle with that bond initially and others have it immediately. I think I assumed I’d have it immediately. I feel disappointed that I don’t. I feel like I’m supposed to feel a certain way (people certainly seem to assume I feel a certain way), and when I don’t feel that way I feel like I’m doing it wrong. I forget to kiss her goodbye/goodnight and saying “I love you” to her doesn’t feel comfortable.

Many people have asked me “don’t you just want to sit and stare at her all day?” Um….no. No I don’t. I want to sleep. And I want to get out of the house. And I want to get back to running. But sit and stare at her….? No. I do look forward to our nighttime cuddles and I do really enjoy having her sleep on my chest. But while she’s sleeping on my chest (like right now), I’m bored. So I watch a show, or play a game on my phone, check emails or write blog posts.

Frankly I feel like a caretaker/babysitter not her mother.

If I had to say what I think the “problem” is, I’d say that I think I’m really struggling with letting the walls around my heart down. I’m super guarded still. I don’t consciously feel that way but I’m guessing that I’m really good at pushing those feelings down and now actually feeling them.

So, the question becomes…how do I solve this? Is this problem even solvable? Will it resolve itself? Do I need to seek some professional help? At this point I don’t know the answers to any of that stuff.

I hope I read this post in future years and laugh at my silliness.